[current tunes] Delirium Trigger by Coheed and Cambria
[current mood] upset

   A bit of a serious entry tonight...I've got some pretty personal stuff in here... so, if you're offended or you don't wanna know that much about my life, then let me reply with this: "I don't give a damn." If you're still interested... you're more than welcome to keep reading.
    A lot has happened today... but I'll cut to what I'm really upset about. I was on the phone with Wes for three hours, and somehow... unfortunately, we started talking about Mark. I can't believe it, but I told Wesley everything that happened with him. I never thought I'd ever tell anyone. I was always so embarrassed. He's a sick bastard, and I know that. But... I told Wesley what he did. I was crying, I was so upset. It's been over a year now, and I'd pretty much forgotten about it all... at least tried to, but... somehow, I ended up telling Wesley. He thinks Mark is a sick old man, too, and he doesn't understand why I just let him do the shit he did, but... honestly, unless you're in that uncomfortable situation, you just can't understand. Maybe I am stupid for not doing more... but, it was just such an awkward situation. All I was worried about was getting home, away from him. I thought talking to Wesley would make me feel better, but... it really didn't. I think it would've been better to just keep it from him. He just kept getting pissed and saying stuff like, "that sick fuck!" and stuff... He just wants to kill him, now. I just don't feel a whole lot better.
   Mark did such weird things... besides being a sick perverted fuck... his wife died and he would give me her clothes, asking me to try them on. He'd tell me I remind him of her... or that the clothes would "suit me just right". After I while, I just told him, "thanks, but I don't need any clothes..." I didn't feel right wearing a dead chick's clothes, anyway. Especially Mark's wife. Really weird shit. He told me such nasty stuff... and honestly, in all my life, I've never felt more uncomfortable. I felt so helpless and I would've done anything just to be at home with my mom. I hope to God he burns in hell.
   Other than that... it's been a great day, actually... too bad I had to ruin it by talking about Mark at the end. But, anyway... I got up this morning to do some claywork in the studio. I get paid a dollar for every magnet I make for the Bakersville Creekwalk crap... so... good money. Easy money, too. Chris, the "special" guy from across the street comes over every morning at nine to mop the floors. It was just me and him in the studio and I was talking to him. Mom says people like that are "earth's angels". Totally innocent, always happy. For some reason, I like to be around Chris. He makes me a little more thankful for what I've got. When he was finished moping, I told him he did a good job, and he threw both his arms up in the air with a big smile and exclaimed, "I DID A GOOD JOB!" It jerked a tear. He was so excited and so happy because I'd complimented his work. It was pretty amazing... I don't know. It's just strange. Used to, I wasn't comfortable around mentally retarded people... I just felt awkward like they might hurt me for reason or something... But, I know that's all silly, and with Chris... well, it's just amazing to be around him. He's always so happy and lauging, smiling. He does his work consistently and is always proud to get done. It was just cool, I guess... made me feel like a good person for making him smile...
   Jann and I had a big talk later at the studio about some things... like Wesley and Felicia. I used to hold such a strong grudge against her because she and Wes had a little thing going before I came along... I felt so inferior to her, and to be honest... I hate to admit it... but, that's a lot of the reason why I had sex with Wesley. I hated that feeling, that another girl had done something for Wesley that I hadn't. It killed me. It was a thousand times worse when I saw her at school. I always pictured this skanky ass ho... but.. when I saw her, I was totally shocked (and jealous.. I'm guilty.) She was so much prettier than I thought she'd be. And I hated her for being so pretty and for the fact that she got to bang my boyfriend. What a douche, right? I know, I know... but let me explain more...
   Felicia started taking some classes at the studio. I knew about this, and I decided to just ignore her. If I saw her there, fine. I wasn't going to bitch or start anything, because... I don't have any enemies and I wasn't feeling like making any. So, I'd just go on with my claywork, and not say a word. However, Jann told me some things...that I never expected in all my life, and it really opened my eyes somehow at just how shallow I was being. Jann told me Felicia was missing some classes and not cleaning up after working... really being slack. Jann also said she thought Felicia was "emotionally unstable". We talked some more... and she thinks Felicia doesn't "hate" me, but... is... scared that I hate her. "Jasmin doesn't like me very much..." Felicia had told Jann, and Jann thought that might've been the reason why she wasn't coming as often. Because of me.  Felicia was acting nervous, also, according to Jann. "I didn't even know Jasmin... I didn't know she was Wesley's girlfriend..." Felicia told her. It really surprised me. All along, I expected her to be this kind of girl that would brag about hittin' Wes before me... and all that kinda stuff... a real sleezebag. But... apparently, I've made her just as uncomfortable as she's made me. I didn't intend for that, either. Sure, I've thougth some bad things about her, but I never confronted her. I never wanted to start anything. However, I never imagined that she might be nervous around me. So, I decided to do this... I'm gonna call Felicia... and apologize, first and foremost for judging her as quickly as I have. After all, neither Wesley nor Felicia did anything wrong. Neither of them were dating anyone, so there was no cheating involved. Hell, I didn't even meet Wesley until a few months after this happened. So, I'm going to tell Felicia that there's no hard feelings between us, and that she is welcome at the studio.. anytime she wants, me there or not. I'll be happy to help her even, if I can. It's apparent to me that most of my hatrid derived from pure jealousy... the fact that Wes could've had prettier girls than me. But, I've also got this: Wes and I have been together a year and six months. They were together one night. So, see? I have no reason to hold anymore grudges. I'm actually proud of myself for finally getting over this. It feels so good to let go. Once I let her know everything's cool... then... I'll have absolutely nothing stoping me from walking into Mitchell High this year with my head held high (with the Meade next to me, of course. ^_^) It'll be really good, and I'm so glad Jann and I talked things over.
   All this being good stuff makes me sleepy, though. Haha. Just kidding. I'm not doing it for the image at all. I'm doing it to free myself from any hatred... stupid stuff that really shouldn't matter to me. Like I said, it's great to let go and be totally and utterly happy and carefree now. Wesley doesn't understand what I'm doing it all for, but.. I don't really expect him to. He was like, "Why don't you just avoid her? Why say anthing to her ever again? I don't want to." I guess he just doesn't know how it all made me feel... so.. I don't expect him to understand. He's just a silly boy, anyway. ;) ^-^
   But... I am sleepy. Very. I'm getting up early to go shopping with Mom. More school clothes. But... this has been a good entry, I think... I feel very... relieved.