[current tunes] Easy Skankin' by Bob Marley
[current mood] empty
I don't really know why I'm typing an entry. I don't feel well, and it'll be hard to really express what I'm feeling this time. So much has happened lately... This has been the shittiest weekend I've had in a long, long time. I went with Sonia and Jessica to Cheapskates... Wesley showed up drunk (yeah, after promising so many times that he was through with that shit), and that only led to a big fight. He scared me to death. He busted his mouth when he ran into Harry. He started freaking out on me... and crying... He was telling me to leave him the fuck alone... Things he'd never say to me normally. He started crying one time and his face was all wet and stuff. I was trying to comfort him, and I wiped his face for him, and he jerked away from me. He made me feel so terrible. We've been together a year and seven months now... and it just gets harder and harder to stay happy... Everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. It's so easy to get off into a bad conversation. Maybe it's just me. I am pretty stressed out... and it's probably all my fault... but... sometimes I wish I was alone again. I miss not depending on a boy.
But none of that even matters, really... There are worse things.
Finding out about Kenny's death just made me feel worse. Kenny was a childhood friend from Avery... we grew up together, lived close to one another and were really good friends for a long time. He was the kind of guy I secretly had a crush on all my life, but because we were so close, I could never like him like that... We really were like brother and sister, and it just really hurt. I don't think I've ever heard anything more depressing and shocking. I felt so bad, too, for not keeping in touch better after I moved over here. I hate myself for putting it off... I kept telling him on the phone, "We'll get together sometime and play... or I'll come see you sometime..." and now, I hate it that I never did. I'm such a loser. I don't even want to show up at the funeral, because I was such a bad friend after I left. I hate myself for it. I hate it... I cried for a while, but... I just keep thinking... "how?" and "why?", more than anything else. It's just sort've disbelief. I'm sure it'll hit me in a little while, and it'll hurt a lot... It's just so awkward. Why like that, too? A gunshot to the head? Kenny? My Kenny? Kenny with the pretty eyes that played drums and could catch Skittles in the air with his mouth, and laughed with me? That Kenny? Why? It makes me question so many things... especially you, God.
Between losing Kenny, arguing with Wesley, being sick, and financial problems (which is causing tension between my parents, and fights), I've got this big cloud over me, and it's making me a bitch all the time. I try so hard to be happy and laugh and stuff... but... I just feel like shit. I just want to be alone for a while. Wesley is no comfort. When I told him about Kenny, he was like, "Why do you have to go talking about that all the time... and making everyone all depressed and shit?" I don't expect him or anyone else at Mitchell to understand. That's fine. Wesley's just a boy, anyway. But... I just want to take a long bath and soak for a while... a good relaxing bath to lift my spirits, and maybe make me feel a little better. I'm not trying to give a guilt trip..and I don't want any pity shit, either. Things are just really shitty right now... all hectic and confusing, and I wish I had someone that felt the same way I did, so I could talk to them.
I'm sorry for the lack in updates. I'll get back on track here soon...
